On the rugged path of addiction, it’s easy to get used to the idea that life is scary. And can go downhill suddenly, taking a plunge just when you thought you were getting your bearings. Like there’s no solid ground underneath your feet. There’s nothing and no one you can depend on, and then everything is made so much worse because of the depression and hopelessness that alcohol causes. You feel you will always live in chaos, afraid to answer the phone, dreading the alarm clock that starts another hopeless day. Eventually you accept the idea that your life will always be about survival. And you will survive, barely and miserably, until somebody or something puts you out of your misery.
No big loss.
But somewhere deep down, you know it doesn’t have to be this way. Life — your life — can turn on a dime, and you can make it happen.
A few weeks ago, I quit drinking. Again.
Ten days later, I was in the hospital for heart surgery. Didn’t see that coming, but it was a fantastic wake-up call. After a few days’ recovery, I decided that if I were going to keel over at some point, it would be while I was in motion. No more dreams that stay in the closet, no more waiting around for a future that may or may not come. No more excuses.
A few days after that, I signed up last-minute for a Course in Miracles conference. In Germany! There are a dozen reasons not to go. I don’t speak a word of German. And there’s the money, of course, but the day I went to finally make the reservations, the plane ticket price had dropped over $300, just a week out.
So I’m going by myself, and I can’t wait.
The conference is called “Knocking on Heaven’s Door,” and that’s exactly what I’m doing.
I leave this Tuesday. And I have a peace in my heart that just won’t leave.
It’s all good.
Big love!
Shawna