During one of my drinking days in one of the darkest periods of my life, I remember being crushed under the weight of guilt and shame because I had, once again, despite all of my resolve and great intentions, had too much to drink. I can’t remember what had triggered this awful state of mind … maybe I’d fought with one of my children or my ex-husband, but I felt completely defeated. I locked myself in my bedroom, and took out the journal I had hidden in the drawer of my bedside table.
As I lay on the bed, pouring my self-loathing onto the page, I suddenly felt the unmistakable presence of someone surrounding me with love … some wayward angel sent to comfort lost causes. But the feeling was powerful … much stronger than I’d felt before. The loving energy overwhelmed me, running through my mind and down into my hand holding the pen.
Love yourself now, the presence urged. I felt a wave of compassion wash over me, and I was overcome with the meaning behind the words.
Love yourself now, when you feel least worthy, when every indication from the outside world shows you that you are nothing, when you feel no one could love you in the condition you’re in, when you doubt that even God, if there is one, could forgive you for making such a mess of life — yours and those entrusted to your care.
Love yourself now.
Through the eyes of this incredible compassion, I saw myself as filled with light … as beautiful and as innocent as a child. I could see how wrong I was to ever judge myself as lacking or injured or inadequate or not enough. I was wrong to see myself as anything less than a perfect loving child of God.
I am here because I have been called. I am here because this is where I am supposed to be, and the only thing I need to do at this moment in time is to gently lift myself up, open my heart, and let the truth of who I am be received by me.