Day 266: Your Blogging Changes the World (A short quirky post)

Do you ever wonder, while you’re holed up in your little room, trying to put into words what is going on in your head, and then hitting the “publish” button, if your words make any difference in the grand scheme of things?

WELL WONDER NO MORE!

This morning, with just a few minutes to spare, I read a post by Endless River about the crows and other birds that keep appearing in her yard. Nothing deep … not even sobriety-related. But the post reminded me about the bird feeder I bought that I hadn’t filled in months. And we have tons of migratory birds perched in our trees this time of year, probably hungry. So I went out to fill it.

And I just had this epiphany … standing stock still, out in the cold yard in my ratty robe, ignoring the neighbors … thinking “She made this happen!”

So I ran back inside, all aglow (a throw-away Christmas reference), and sent this response to her blog:

Once again the miracle of the internet has caused me, an unrelated reader miles away, to fill up my bird feeder this morning, thereby feeding the wild birds flying through. Isn’t that kind of amazing? Endless River posts an article, wild birds are fed. Wow.

WHAT ELSE IS HAPPENING THAT WE DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

Thanks for the epiphany! Sometimes you feel like your words are just sent out there into the world and that they don’t mean anything. This certainly puts in into perspective.

xoxo!

 

Day 259: When Bloggers Disappear

When someone disappears from the blogosphere, we don’t get any closure. Where’d they go? Why won’t they answer their email? Why did they delete their site?

It’s like when a relationship ends because one person just refuses to return calls.

It’s enough to make one a stalker. But so often, we don’t even know their real names, although we walked with them through hell and heartache for a short time.

We still care about them though. And worry. And pray. And I wonder if I would have the courage to report back in if I spent the holidays drinking to make up for lost time. I hope I would, but this does not fit with my behavior in the past.

But on the flip side, it’s so nice when someone new comes along. Redemption! Here is a new friend — Girl Undrunk,  who has just joined the online healing community.

Healing Hurts

 

Day 249: Save Your Life

I have come to believe that self-love is the answer to not drinking.

If you loved yourself like you would a child, would you force poison down your own throat?

Dramatic, I know. But true.

I once decided, in a desperate attempt to somehow penetrate the thick fog surrounding my hung-over brain, to perform an experiment on two basil plants on my windowsill. I would water one basil plant, and give the other one only wine.

There was a few inches of warm wine in a glass from the night before. I started to pour the leftover wine into the plant, but then I noticed how beautiful its little green leaves were … how the intricate veins of green wound through the leaf’s surface … how perfect this plant  was that had been placed in my care.

And I couldn’t do it. I rinsed the wine out quickly and watered it to wash out what had absorbed in the soil, mentally apologizing to the plant for my complete lapse in judgment.

It wasn’t until years later, when describing this experiment in a meeting, that this occurred to me: I wouldn’t do this to a plant, but I would do it to myself.

I was dumbstruck, but it was true. I wouldn’t get help for myself, as if I didn’t matter. A plant mattered more.

Why was this? I knew it wasn’t always this way. I had changed, and not for the better.

I know now that alcohol’s slow beat of destruction gets you to this point. The step-by-step stripping away of your self worth. It’s sneaky, and if you don’t pay attention, you won’t notice it until it’s done a lot of damage.

I suddenly had an overwhelming compassion for the child that I once was. I felt tremendous love and sadness for myself, for a little girl that once had dreams of doing great things, but first and foremost, wanted to be loved.

How I had betrayed her.

I realized everything had to change. Not just by stopping the flow of poison … I had to change everything about the way I saw myself in the world.

I had to start treating myself like a beloved child. What would I want my daughter to do in a similar situation? I would want her to see her value … what I could see so clearly. I would want her to see the incredible wonderful spirit that she is and do whatever she had to to love herself enough to heal.

And that’s where I am today. Reminding myself what a beloved child of spirit I am, and so worth anything I have to do on my own behalf. To bring myself back from the brink is no less worthy than saving someone else’s life. It’s the bravest and most loving thing I could ever do.