It’s Safe to Feel

Lewis Capaldi

At four years’ sober a week ago, I thought maybe my brain had healed enough to try to finally wean myself of an antidepressant I have taken for twenty years. I was down to a really low dose; even so, when I’d tried to taper off before, I couldn’t outlast the withdrawal.

The drug served me well at a time when I felt way too much. It was a buffer between me and the world I had created, much of it painful. One side effect was that I almost never cried, even in the most dire of circumstances.

But I missed crying at something beautiful, like while watching a good movie or listening to an amazing voice.

This morning, however, I happened across a video not shown in the U.S. for the song “Someone you loved.” A few minutes in and tears were streaming down my face. It felt so good, so cleansing. And it had been so long. This morning, there was a tiny thawing in my heart, held safe for me until the beginning of spring.

I used to be someone you loved.

12 thoughts on “It’s Safe to Feel

  1. So proud of you! ❤
    There’s a few things here that I relate to but the antidepressant thing was the most relatable. I was on mine for the best part of 14 years but, unlike yours, I was still able to cry. I often did in fact. I recall especially bawling when my Dr suggested I wean myself off them! It was clear to her (and me) that I wasn’t ready. I needed them but wasn’t addicted to them and there is a difference. When I eventually did wean myself off them I did so gradually and at a time that was right for me. I’ve not needed Prozac for 11 years now. After the death of my dad, almost 4 years ago, I had to virtually plead with my devastated mum to consider taking them. She eventually did and the benefits were instant. As good a leveller as they were, however, they affected her in exactly the same as yours did to you. She couldn’t cry at all, and she frankly had much to cry about. What you said struck a chord. She has recently gone back on them and I swear she is almost 97% better, which is good considering the time we’re living in. X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve been thinking about this ever since I read it … my dad is in hospice care (but thriving). We took him out of a nursing home because we were no longer allowed to visit. I had to fight tooth and nail to get my mom to listen to the nurse about antidepressants. The nurse had them delivered to the house, and now they’re sitting on the counter because my mom doesn’t want him “to go funny” when he he takes his first one. If he ever gets to take it. I’m going to contact the aide at the house and have her give it to him. He’s depressed and scared, and this little bit of relief would be such a godsend for him. I can see that to my mom it looks like I’m some kind of badgering drug pusher. And I guess I am. I don’t want him to be afraid of what he’s facing, or depressed that he can barely get out of bed. But convincing an older person of this is like fighting a century of disinformation about antidepressants.

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      1. Oh, I am so sad to read this. My own mum has been back on hers for a while now. It was a fight to get her on them after dad died and she was insisting that she wasn’t depressed, just grieving. At some point she realised that sometimes they’re the same damned thing. My feeling is that you won’t know if they work unless you’ve tried and truthfully they’re not for everyone. Could be that your mom’s just terrified. Could you ask her to consider how scared he must be?

        Love to you sweetheart. Let me know how he (and you) are getting on. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s a brilliant idea! Everyone there is so wrapped up in fear, understandably. I’ve been focusing on getting him in a better mood, when really it’s the fear he must be feeling that we could help alleviate. Thank you!! Will let you know how it goes.

        Big love!

        Shawna

        Liked by 1 person

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