No More Tunnel Vision


Today is Saturday, and I’m free as a bird.

I can do anything I want, or nothing at all. Yoga? Maybe. Or I might drag out my camera and try to take some really artsy photos. Or I might take the dog to that park with the sign that says, “No dogs” and sneak him in under the fence. That’s always fun. And I MOST DEFINITELY am going to the Starbucks drive-through and get a giant chocolate chip cookie and some iced green tea.

I ramble on here for a reason. What I have today is possibilities. I have no goal for the day except to enjoy it and do whatever my heart desires.

No more tunnel vision.

I remember a well-meaning friend asking me if I wanted to join a hiking group a few years back. But how does the involve drinking? I thought. As if reading my mind, she said, “It’s a short walk through the woods, and then we end up at restaurant and have some drinks.” Now we’re talking.

And because drinking made me a slug, I told her that my ankle was acting up, but that I’d meet them at the restaurant. Perfect plans!

I got there early and had a nice pre-drink so as not to drink others under the table, which is seen as unladylike in some cultures. Plus, these weren’t my regular friends, so they might be the type to order a glass of wine and then sip it slowly, making it awkward for other people to order another and another. So rude.

And that’s exactly what happened. They showed up with those hiking stick things, all glowy with health, and ordered tea. (Sweet tea, how decadent!) The waiter ruined by pre-drink plan by saying, “Do you want another glass of wine, miss?” I hesitated just a second, and said, “Sure,” as if he’d pressured me into it. Then I remembered to rub my ankle as if it hurt.

The whole thing was a fraudulent act to hide my only goal: to drink. It was Saturday, and no one was going to stop me from drinking. Not that I didn’t drink the rest of the week as well, but Saturday gave me an extra license to drink. Besides, what if I quit Monday? Better enjoy it while you can.

I could never have relaxed at this outing without the wine. My tunnel vision would make it so I couldn’t think about anything but leaving. I might have gone to the ladies room (alone) and popped open a mini-bottle with my name on it, hidden in my big purse for just these types of emergencies. (My purse could hold up to four mini-bottles for dry weddings, etc. It was big and ugly, as my daugher liked to point out, but it served its secret purpose.)

It’s so nice to be free of that tunnel vision. My mind is free to wander and enjoy the possibilities of just going with the flow. I don’t have to arrange for a drinking lunch, an afternoon nap to sleep it off, and then an evening of more wine.

And a Sunday from freaking hell. Liquor stores don’t open until 12:00.

Free at last.


35 thoughts on “No More Tunnel Vision

    1. I’m as shocked as could be about that whole two year thing. But it was not as shocking as one year. One year took everything I had, but now it’s so much easier. And thanks for the comment on the blog. A lot of times it feels like I’m sending these blogs off into space, never to return. ๐Ÿ’•

      Liked by 2 people

      1. As a good friend here said to me when I told him I thought I was โ€œdone:โ€ ….โ€maybe youโ€™ve said everything you need to say.โ€ Thereโ€™s some truth to that as it relates to blogging (for me). Weโ€™ll see! Thanks for reading the ones you did!

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      1. Well i like to be understanding to people’s demons and issues. We all have them no matter how much we try to hide them. To push yourself to realise and admit the problems brings you closer to a solution in my eyes. This sounds rather profound coming from me i must admit. Considering i am have been told i am good at giving advice. Sadly i am one of these that are guilty of not following my own advice. Maybe one day hey??

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It’s funny you say that, because this one meeting I went to asked that you record you own voice on your phone saying things like “I trust you. You are amazing. You can do this.” The whole idea is that your own voice is sacred, and you will listen to it, as opposed to the voice in your head. I haven’t tried it, but I should.
        Here’s another quote: “Many healers don’t heal themselves.” It’s like you just have to turn on yourself somehow. For me, it comes down to worthiness. I had to really work on making me feel worthy of good things. ๐Ÿ’•


  1. I am so behind on my reading – but I just wanted to let you know I absolutely loved this. There are few things more priceless than free time that’s truly free. Much love โ™ฅ Xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I LOVE this SO much! True freedom…to enjoy life as it was meant to be lived โ€” carefree and happyโ€” not based on contingencies.

    As free as “substances” make us believe we are, we aren’t. We’re at their mercy, and with that, the life and energy is drained from us…as are many of our memories and much of our logical thinking. How beautiful it is to have a clear mind, free of fog, and be able to create as much as you want without feeling groggy. You are an inspiration, and a talented writer to boot…I look forward to many more updates from you!


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    1. Thank you, Antasha, especially about the talented writer part. ๐Ÿ˜€ Every person I know in the blog world has writing insecurities, even if they write for a living. Putting such personal stuff “out there” feels dangerous at first, but then becomes empowering.

      The most amazing thing about the clear mind is that it keeps getting clearer. I thought after a month or two, my thinking was as clear as it was going to get, but my brain is still healing, I guess. It’s so much better now. I can concentrate longer than even a year ago. It’s the gift that keep on giving!

      I LOVE your site, and am so glad I found your blog. The photos make it so much easier to relate to you. Did you set it up yourself, or did someone do it for you? I’m trying to make the transition to website and am looking for options.

      Have a wonderful Saturday.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I definitely feel you on the writing insecurities — the good thing is the more we do it, the better we become…and eventually mastery in our own way is attained.

    I’m so happy you’re enjoying CAJ! I built it myself/am still tweaking it constantly (lol). I’ve become pretty fluent in WordPress customization but that’s only because for the past eight months I’ve messaged WordPress with a new question daily lol.

    If you need help rebuilding yours I’d be happy to help you and teach you what I know. We can hop on a Skype call or phone and discuss your goals and vision and go from there. โค๏ธ

    Big love, xx, Antasha

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Antasha! That is so generous to volunteer some or your precious time. ๐Ÿ˜€ I’m sure I’ll be contacting you as soon as I start jazzing up the site. It’s good to know that the WordPress help desk actually responds as well.
      Back to writing … I like your line here: ” …mastery in our own way is attained.” Perfect!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. They are AMAZING! Super quick & responsive. And I’m always happy to help however I can! I’m excited for you and to see your impending vision manifested.

        Happy writing! I know we’ll connect soon ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

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