Should you tell your S.O. about your blog?

~ Shawna Rae

woman-hiding-behind-mask

I need an educated opinion here.

How many of you have husbands/boyfriends/girlfriends who know about your “secret” blog? Did you start the blog and then clue them in later? How did they react? Where they upset that you kept this “secret” from them?

I was going to tell my wonderful, supportive husband about my blog at the one year sober mark. I am now at Day 293, and one year is in sight! Plus, I didn’t want to share my successful sobriety blog if I had not successfully stayed sober. It seemed a contradiction, somehow.

I’ve gone out of my way to not include personal or harmful info about any of my family. Still, it’s a bit like having someone read your diary. And I am not, in real life, an over-sharer.

All comments appreciated!

Published by Shawna Rae

66 thoughts on “Should you tell your S.O. about your blog?”

  1. For reals? I’m not in charge of you but you should at least give them an option. They know you are writing, right? I told my mom about my blog and told her it was really cool the feedback I was getting from strangers. She declined to read it. You should at least let them know it’s out there

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    1. He does not know that I’m writing a blog. I never have it open when he’s around. I have been kind of sneaky about it — but I like your approach. I could tell him about it and then give him the option WITHOUT just opening the page and saying “Here it is.”

      Thank you, Soberisland!

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      2. That’s really funny. hee hee.
        I have noticed in some of my blog comments that I come off acting like some kind of authority, even though I don’t have a year of sobriety yet. I sometimes felt like an authority on not drinking while actually still drinking myself. That’s how confusing this drinking thing is. ; )

        xoxo

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      4. I don’t really edit mine either. I rely on spell check, but sometimes that autocorrect puts some strange words out there anyway. If I tried edit everything it would feel too much like work. Plus, I never pay attention to that kind of thing when I’m reading other people’s blogs, so I don’t think it’s all that important. ; )

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  2. I told my husband that I was writing in a blog group. He just assumed it was something he wouldn’t be interested in and didn’t ask too many questions. I guess I wouldn’t care if he read it, but I’d rather him not. Which is strange because I’m letting absolute strangers read it. Lol.

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    1. Thanks, Mooseylou. I know — it is somehow easier to let strangers read it. It’s virtual reality, not the reality of having someone sitting across the table from you, reading your blog, giving you unreadable looks, ya know?

      I like the idea of a blog group. It gives me cover. It’s sort of like taking a class … like I was assigned to write this. ; )

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  3. I would have to make some alterations before letting hubby read it. I don’t think he would appreciate me saying he had a drink problem. He knows I write but doesn’t seem interested. My other family members would probably be upset about some comments. So not keen on them finding it.

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    1. I have some friends who might guess who they are while reading it. I think I kept my parents out, but I do make the occasional throw away comment on someone else’s blog. Can people find your comments on other blogs, or would they have to look really hard?

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  4. Slippery slope.
    My husband knows I write. I asked permission to publish some other writings about “taboo” subjects and got his blessing. I am at this computer a whole lot. If he doesn’t care to ask what I’m doing here, then he likely doesn’t really give much of a flip. I’m not drinking; his life is exponentially better. So what if I’m blogging about it?

    But sure – if he asked, I’d tell him.

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    1. I am starting to get the idea that it isn’t necessary to share the blog, is it? It’s not like I’m meeting someone online and keeping that a secret. I’m very impressed that you got his permission to write about taboo stuff though.

      Thanks for sharing, Carrie Ann. ; )

      xoxo

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  5. That’s a toughie. Sometimes, in my case, the longer I wait to share info like that the harder it becomes to spill the beans. My opinion is yes… tell him. I don’t think it’s good on a conscience to have secrets. So sharing the news might actually be better for you than for him. Just a thought. 🙂

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    1. I see what you mean. It’s easier to say “I started this blog a while ago” rather than “I’ve been writing a blog for five years behind your back. I have 10,000 followers.”
      I think he would tell me, which adds to my guilt. Wait! He would never have a blog. It’s not in his nature. Unfair comparison. ; )

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  6. My husband knows about the blog, he’s read a couple of posts. He does comment that I’m on it all the time:) I told my mother and sister about it because I want them to understand how deep this goes for me. I want my nearest and dearest to know that I have a serious problem so that I can be accountable. All that being said I’ve had to delete one or two posts about my really bad fights with husband. They wouldn’t understand all of that.

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    1. It’s totally alien to me that I would share this with my sisters or mother, isn’t that funny? You are making me consider the idea, however. Now I think maybe the accountability thing would be a little scary. After all, “If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried. ” haha!
      I think I’ve really taken that advice to heart. ; )

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      2. It would make my mom worry, and she has enough worries right now. Plus, she would worry that someone somehow would steal my identity and use my credit cards through the internet. (She’s in her 80s.)

        xoxo!

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  7. One more thing I want to add. Would you let him read your personal journal even though he knows you have one? (If you have one?). Would he go in to the AA group with you if you went? I think there are two ways of looking at this. Some folks write blogs with intentions of gathering the most followers as possible because it is actually their livelihood or a form of publicity…such as The Pioneer Woman or The Chicken Chick (two that I like ❤️), but then there is this sort of blogging which I look at as more of therapy with like minded people. If you blog about cooking then mostly your followers are people interested in cooking. If you blog about hiking – you have like minded outdoor enthusiasts. You get the picture. I think it boils down to the purpose of your blog and if you chose to keep it anonymous. I think if you just nonchalantly tell him one night while you are in the computer then it would probably go well and not be a big deal for you as far as anxiety or him as far as curiosity. Whatever you choose to do I am sure that the outcome will be nothing like you imagine lol – that’s usually what happens for me after I have projected all these scenarios in my head. Love!!

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    1. I had to really think about something you asked here: what is the intention of the blog? And that should answer the question but I am torn about that too! I started the blog because I read Mrs. D’s blog, and then her book, and thought that if this kept her sober, maybe it would do the same for me. I had no intention of telling anyone. I believe Mrs. D begins telling people eventually, and it kind of coincides with “coming out” as a nondrinker, and admitting this to friends and family and coworkers and strangers. I think that is where I’m struggling. I am trying to come out of the shadows one day and then jump right back in the next.
      When you talk about him going to an AA meeting or reading my journal, the answer is absolutely not. Not that there is anything exciting going on that he shouldn’t know about, just that there is an assumption of privacy.
      Thank you, Mooselou! It’s put things in perspective for me, but also made me wonder going forward what the purpose of blogging should be. I will push all of these decision off to the one-year sobriety mark. That makes it easier for now. ; )
      xoxo!
      Shawna

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  8. This question comes up now and then on the blogosphere (I have been blogging for about 4 years now), and in the end, it’s up to you. My wife and mother and some friends read it. For me it’s no big deal. But I am careful what I share on there – I don’t use it as a gripe session or to slam others or whatnot. It’s personal, but in many ways I am still private – does that make sense? Same with my Twitter and my podcast – my mother and wife follow it (my wife rarely reads my blog posts and Twitter).

    Having said that, I know that the biggest bombshell for my family wasn’t the drinking, but the secrecy behind it. The drinking they could deal with, but it was my duplicitous nature was the real dagger to the heart. For that reason alone, I am on the up and up when it comes to all this stuff. But that is for ME. I always say – your blog, your rules. I know many women who open up to their husbands about their blogs, and 95% of the time the hubbies are thankful and supporting. Having said that, if one is trashing their SO, then maybe it’s not a good idea! Moosylou makes good points about therapy, etc. Having said that, blogs are an open forum. So someone can stumble upon them (but only if they’re REALLY looking hard!) In the end, it’s your call!

    Anyway, glad I found this blog – looking forward to reading more.

    Cheers
    Paul

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    1. Thank you, Paul. I found your blog as well. I love it! I am a big fan of anyone who can mix humor and recovery, and you do it well. I am also somewhat of a spiritual junkie, and it looks like you dabble in that as well.

      You know, you hit the nail on the head with the duplicity. That’s why I feel like I need to let my husband know. Unlike most stories I’ve heard, I could see my husband actually reading the entire blog. (He’s retired and doesn’t have that much to do.) And he would feel like he had to to be a good husband. I like the odds you gave here: 95% are supportive. I am sure mine would be, so I ought to give him a chance.
      Having said that, I now have to read through the whole damn thing to make sure it’s not offensive. I don’t name names or gripe either, if I can help it, so I think I’m pretty safe from that perspective.

      Anyhow, thanks for your input! I greatly appreciate it. ; )

      xoxo

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  9. I have shared my blog with 4 people IRL: my brother – because I love him and I wanted him to know how serious it was for me- he did read it, but I’m not sure he still does: my closest friend, my ExP , again I don’t think he still reads it although I guess he could, and my therapist… but I didn’t share it for quite a while …

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      1. Hi, I shared it after I had been writing regularly for about 2 months – say July; I did expect that he would read some of it – and he did. he said he was proud of me.. I haven’t shared with with lots of others I ‘could’ have ….what is your gut feeling ? I didn’t for a while because I was aware that once I had., I couldn’t take it back… Lily xx

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      2. I go back and forth with it, and I will probably end up doing what you did … I will tell him and won’t be able to take it back. ; )

        He’s out of town at the moment, so that gives me a chance to think it over. Sometimes my gut is not as clear as I need it to be.

        xoxo,
        Shawna

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  10. I told my partner when i started and it’s on our shared computer, he could access it whenever he wants. I told him I don’t care if he reads it or not, but to understand i am not writing it for him. or anyone in particular to read. it’s anonymous so i’d like to keep it that way.

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    1. I started out that way, but I’m very (very) slowly worrying less and less if someone finds it. It’s been very freeing to realize that I am not at the center of anyone’s universe except for mine. Apparently, no one’s really looking for it all that hard. ; )

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  12. My husband has always known, but he rarely looks at it.
    I am semi anonymous…I use my name and picture, but don’t draw attention to myself online in real life.
    The longer I blog, the more likely I have become to tell others about it.

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    1. I know what you mean, because I care much less than I did originally. I think I was sort of prepared to fail (again), and because I have actually stayed sober for most of the blog, I feel like it’s something to be proud of instead of something to hide. I am working up to a photograph. Maybe at the one year mark. ; )

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  13. I am remembering an early post of yours (please let it have been you) about fear of the government and conspiracy, laying all your stuff out there. I remember because I have up until then been careful what I did and said online. Now I have spewed most of my deepest shame I can’t go back now, too big a footprint online. So , your husband??? Why not say “I have written a blog, I’m not sure if you want to have a look but I am not hiding it from you. Some of the stuff is a bit raw and the early days are a bit sensitive to me” see what he says and don’t be offended whichever way he goes.
    I think you are a very well thought out and considered blogger, more like a writer. I am a ‘here’s all my shit in no particular order’ ha ha. I can’t think of any of your posts that jump out as shocking. Anyway he might see even more what a lovely, supportive, kind, forgiving and inspirational friend you are to so many.

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    2. Wow, now I want everyone to read my posts!! And you are right — that was my old post about the fear of being discovered. hahaha! I’ve overcome some of that but not all. You’re right also in that I usually write AS IF I am going to be discovered. This is a paranoia that I’ve had since I was little and one of my sisters would find my diary, read it, and then taunt me with it for weeks.

      It’s funny, but it’s the “here’s all my shit in no particular order” blogs that are the most alluring. It seems much more natural and you get to know the person and the circumstances their in. You’re excited to find out what happens next. It’s more honest and raw, like my earlier journals are. I just happened to start blogging at the end of my drinking days instead of in the middle, or I would have a lot more angst-related posts.

      It’s funny, but I am an editor (sometimes writer) in real life, so I tend to put that critical eye on things, even when I am just spitting out a blog entry in a few minutes. I don’t think that translates well to blogging from the heart. I had a woman in a memoir writing group tell me that my inner editor won’t let me speak. I wasn’t a great editor either, but that’s another story. ; )

      Thank you so much for your last line in that comment. That may be the nicest thing anyone has said about me in years. I might have to print it out and frame it!

      xoxo!
      Shawna

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      1. Now I’m panicking that you’re an editor cos I know how bad my punctuation is (it’s a real hang up for me). I agree that maybe your inner editor is not allowing you free reign but you should only do what you feel comfortable with. I love your blog and always read it so you must be doing something right and I know I have said it before but your post about the drunk driver lady cracked something open in me and changed me forever. I will always be grateful you wrote that and I found it.
        As for the last sentence, please do print it out as I genuinely mean it, I’m sure your husband sees all those things in you anyway.
        Keep writing for us and in a voice that sits well with you and your spirit. We can only ever write our words down, how they are interpreted is beyond our control.

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      2. Ginger, I sometimes think you are the voice of God. ; ) Just kidding, sort of, but so often what comes out of your mouth (or keyboard) is EXACTLY what I needed to hear at that moment. Now I have to print out another email to refer back to when I am stumbling. I think maybe a life coach should be your calling. You are an amazing one. (And free!)

        About the editor deal — I was just an editor by default. Writing was hard work while partying, so I only applied to editing jobs after college. I don’t notice grammar at all anymore. I’ve been away from it for a couple of years, so I am much more comfortable because I can read and shut up the inner grammarian, who wasn’t all that great anyway.

        Thank you so much for your encouragement. It means SO MUCH to me that I had to write it in capital letters.

        Have a wonderful evening!

        xoxo
        Shawna

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  14. I told my husband soon after I started mine and he was totally fine with it. He’s not a big reader and I’m also an open book so I doubt he will ever read any of this. He is supportive of whatever helps me to stay sober. Is there a reason you wouldn’t want to tell him, other than you haven’t told him yet?

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    1. Hmmm …. good question. I can’t really think of a good reason not to except that we tend to want to look successful and ‘together’ in our spouse’s mind. I feel a little bit like this would counter that theory. hee hee. But that’s just the ole’ ego talking, so it’s really not a valid excuse. So no, there is really no reason except that I might censor some of my comments. (I do that anyway, so maybe even that isn’t a big deal.)

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  15. I think I know exactly what you’re talking about. And I’m glad you pointed that out bc I just remembered I used to be the same way with my husband, if I get what you’re saying.

    We had been married for about 13 years when I got sober the first time and we were getting a divorce. I went off to treatment for a very long time and God put us back together. When I first got back home I thought I needed to be strong and sure and have it all together. That was such a big fat lie! It really wasn’t until I became vulnerable that things got better with us. I’m not saying this is what you should do bc I don’t know your exact situation but for me, letting go and allowing my husband to be the man in the relationship-instead of me trying to be both-(hope that makes sense 🤔) it just flowed so much better. We’ve been married almost 21 years now and we are really happier than ever.

    A doctor I used to work for gave me the best advice one time. She said “Don’t take each other so serious”. I know, for me, I overthought and analyzed so much in our relationship and it made me too busy to actually have a relationship. None of this may apply to you at all so please forgive me if I have said something out of the way. I don’t know your specific situation. But I do know you are as precious as can be and your husband may love you even more for you showing him this side of you. He may not even read it, I don’t know. Above all, pray and ask God to show you and to make it crystal clear as to what to do! Hope this helps some and if it doesn’t-love & hugs and hope you find a solution soon! ❤️

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    1. I think you are exactly right about the appearing “together” comment. We have only been married 5 years, so we’re still kind of in the honeymoon stage. Also, I find myself not wanting to be a reason for him to worry. If I appear fine (which I am, at the moment), then he has less to worry about.

      So the beginning of the blog would make just about anyone worry. (ha ha) But, having said that, I need to reread Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection. I most definitely have that need to appear perfectly fine, perfectly at ease, perfectly together, even though that has rarely been the case, for me or for most people.

      Thank your for your insight. ; ) I have the book in my bookshelf, and I think it’s just the refresher I need.

      xoxo!

      Shawna

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  16. Hey Hun,
    I have just started a new blog myself because I felt like I couldn’t be completely honest because my family and partner were reading it. I completely understand about it feeling like a journal. For me now this is my private place for me to express myself. I think its important to have something for yourself. You’re doing so well! Just do what you think is right on this one id say.

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    1. Thank you. I do feel less need to tell anyone because it seems there are lots of people who don’t share. From reading blogs, I thought almost everyone had SOs who read their posts, but that does not seem to be the case. I am still thinking it over, but don’t feel pressured. ; )

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  17. I told my SO about my blog and the response was less than enthusiastic.Not bad per se, but I felt a sense of disengagement. I didn’t go to pains to express how the content features my sobriety, but I felt I had to be honest about this semi-anonymous part of my life. My SO has built an endurance in proofing my professional writing, but since this is personal, the apathy was irksome, if not hurtful.

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    1. That is a possibility I had not considered … disinterest. I wonder if because blogs usually talk about a difficult struggle, that people close to us find it painful to read. I could see that being the case. Or maybe they think you want privacy. It’s hard not to read in some kind of motive, isn’t it?

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  18. I tell everyone, including all of my family members.
    I did that for a reason, for accountability and to set an example for a few other family members.
    Most of them don”t read it very often, or at all.
    That being said, I have to be careful, as Paul said, not to complain about them.
    I never wanted my blog to be like that anyway.
    My hubs is my biggest supporter, and reads all my posts.
    But here’s the thing…
    That’s my story, but it’s not yours.
    It’s tricky to figure out at first.
    xo
    Wendy

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  20. Hi! My husband knows about my blog and reads it, he thinks it’s funny. Even if he didn’t I wouldn’t use it as a venting ground for marital woes (of which I have really none anyway.) But not the rest of my family because I do sometimes bitch about them. hahah!

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    1. What you told me once turns out to be true — people are too lazy to spend their time searching to see if I have a secret blog. And you’re right — I don’t really vent about people that I care about. It would be my own image as perfect, or at least anonymous, that would suffer. (ha ha) I think I’m starting to see the problem here.

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  21. How ironic I come across your blog tonight. I have been blogging for 2 weeks and I have went back and forth in my head if I was going to let my wife know. Yesterday, I told her, well hinted, that I did have a blog. However, I am not going to let her know my address or where my page is. I am not posting it on Facebook. I am kinda doing it to protect her for going back in time and reliving the whole situation again. If you have time check out my story https://mystrugglingheart.wordpress.com/ -Bruce

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  23. I just started blogging about recovery and I have told some people about it including my husband. But I am not ready for him to read it. I think it’s called having healthy boundaries-not everyone understands. I don’t think it’s keeping a secret, I think it is using wisdom. One day the time will be right and wisdom will tell you when that day has arrived.

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  24. My blog is very private, I’m not ready to share it, I couldn’t, it’s about my son, it’s more a way of putting my thoughts somewhere else other than in my head

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  25. We just started our blog about our personal experiences with addiction and mental health. You’re entitled to your privacy if you feel more comfortable that way. Robin and I will be sharing our honestly raw tale and controversial opinions in hopes that others suffering can relate and therefore value our anonymity.

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