A post by Mrs. Mac, who has about the same number of sober days as I do, helped me make a connection:
She’s talking about needing the connection of blogging, reading blogs, etc., to stay on track. I had really gotten away from blogging in the past month, and I can now feel myself less committed to the cause of sobriety.
And last week, I listened to a tape my Deepak Chopra that described the body as in either growth or decline. Chopra pointed out that any time you are not exercising, your body begins to break down. His example was that Olympic athletes who are made to stay in bed for two weeks lose the equivalent of 10 years of training. That is really shocking, especially for someone who has spent the last decades in a state of inertia, exercising only in my brief periods of sobriety or to flex my arm muscles in raising a drink. I have been in rapid decline, both mentally and physically. Of course the good new is, I can turn it around at any point. Today, for example.
I’ve decided that my awareness surrounding alcohol addiction is the same. If I don’t activity blog, read books, or seek out recovery, my sobriety is in decline. In other words, doing nothing does not just leave me where I was on the road to recovery, it sends me backward, and I don’t need to drink to make that happen. Staying sober isn’t enough. My memory of what alcohol did to my life starts to soften around the edges, leaving a glow of nostalgia. It’s like seeing a black and white photo of someone smiling, without realizing it was taken in a war zone.
My daydreams are beginning to show me another place and time where life was ruled by hazy afternoon light, with the romance of outdoor cafes … and drinking. There was always drinking to enhance that glow and drown out the sound of bombs bursting in the distance, like fireworks.
But the reality is that I was at war with an enemy that has taken far stronger souls than mine. And daydreaming on the front line is never a good idea.