Day 30: Free at Last

Birds

Today, I woke up groggy, as usual, and was dreading having to pack for a long drive to Florida, with a stop at a funeral along the way.

I really don’t like funerals. I’ve only met the person who died twice. It’s more of an obligation, and I resent having to change my travel plans to accommodate it. I’ve been whining for days, when I am not thinking up schemes to get out of it.

Yes, I really am that selfish. And yes, it is what happens when you live as a heavy drinker. No one expects anything less from you after a while. They know you are a whiny (but entertaining, you imagine), self-centered person that cannot be counted on when it really matters.

But after some spiritual reflection, I had this rush of joy when I realized it had been thirty days since my last drink, and that I didn’t have to play this role today. I am in awe of the fact that I can be of use to the people there. I can pay my respects with respect! I need not harp silently on how this man’s death inconvenienced me. I can be a positive, praying influence on the shocked family. I can make it easy on my husband, who knows he is half-dragging me there. I can graciously and lovingly be a partner instead of a millstone. I can allow him to take his attention from placating his whiny spouse to supporting his friends and family, who have suffered an unbelievable loss.

And I am ecstatic about this! I know the feeling won’t last forever, but who cares? I am not fixated on the drinking that will be going on after the funeral — I have barely thought about it. I am free to be what I really am — a loving person, a child of God. The alcohol hides this about me. Love doesn’t come naturally when I choose drinking over actual human  contact. I have been among the walking dead. All I have to do is read my first post to see how shocking my state of mind was under the influence.

I can choose to be strong instead of weak. I can break these chains once and for all. I have never felt more free.

21 thoughts on “Day 30: Free at Last

  1. You are one of my newly found blogs I have put in my daily stay sober and love life toolbox. I went back and read your first blog. SO glad you got a response and kept on blogging. Your words are working miracles across the internet, just so you know!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Your word are a miracle as well! Oddly enough, it’s the people I meet through my blog or theirs that are keeping me on track. None of my “real” friends know much about this struggle. Of course, isolating has been a part of the problem. I am going to print out your comment and post it on my wall for encouragement. Thank you, C!

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  2. Reading your words reminds me of all the things I did in a whiny way. I used to be do passive aggressive about things “oh well I guess we should go, it will really cut into out time though” cut to an hour later “oh I can’t BELIEVE we have to go to this! It is gonna RUIN my week, do you hear me RUIN it” oh it makes me squirm just to thinking of it. Well done you for making 30 days and for allowing yourself to go to the funeral without creating drama around it. I hope you sail through this in a calm and relaxed manner.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The funeral did go much better than expected. And you are so right about the passive aggressive thing. Drinking made me incapable of learning how to cope as an adult, apparently. I was a world-class pouter, sending out little hints of unhappiness until someone noticed. Arghhhh! I can’t believe people put up with me. Thanks, Ginger!

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  3. Thanks for this! I too came to the realization that who I am as a child of God was obscured by the habit of dumping poison down my throat. The gap between who I was and who I wanted to be was only growing as long as I clung to alcohol and tried to justify its role in my life.

    I am encouraged by your story as I try to rewrite my own!!

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    1. I love the metaphor of rewriting your story. It reminds me of the song “Unwritten,” which I love. When I think about what I was like in high school and the life I ended up leading, all blame points to alcohol. I am trying to have it really hit home this time instead of going back to the Day 1 dance.

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